Then again I know that I have had a tendency to hold on to anger way past its sell by date. I don't know why. Maybe there is no why. Meanwhile I could tell it was doing me no good to carry this anger inside myself (which was neither serving me nor was it 'teaching', helping or even punishing the other - it was only punishing me). I could grasp this intellectually yet I didn't know what to do with this anger. I heard the word forgiveness but I didn't really grasp it.
I should add that I am usually slow to anger. I mean passing clouds of pissed-off-ness may come but I am not counting those. The real big stuff where I actually get mad at someone is very rare... but when it builds I don't know what to do with it.
Somewhere along the line I acquired the idea that acting on this anger, for example by expressing it to someone was the way to release it. Now I am not so sure. Plus, in true New Age fashion, I carried the guilt that this was somehow my fault (regardless of who did what to whom) and would analyse it to pieces trying to find how I could change myself so that it wouldn't happen again. And whilst that has often served me - knowing that we are all mirrors to each other and there is ALWAYS something in each moment of my life that is for me, for my learning and growth - it is possible to do it too much, so that it becomes a mental exercise.
But this epiphany takes me a step further and releases the guilt along with the anger. 'Forgive and learn' is essentially a twist on my grandmother's saying. Perhaps it was even what she meant - but it took me all these years (long since she has died) to really get it.
For me, forgive and learn means I can let go of the anger - just let it go... and still realise that I have learned something about the other person. For example, recently somebody I had just met and was making an effort to make a connection with stood me up. She, like me, is a new mom and actually she is going through a pretty hard time. So I chalked it up to 'one of those things'. No biggie. We had arranged to meet somewhere I had to pay to get in, though. So I stayed there, like a pair of lemons, me and my child, and it turned out we were the only two people who turned up at this class. Hey, I embraced it and decided to enjoy the one-to-one attention. So far so good.
I got home and didn't hear from this friend - even though I had confirmed by email that I was going the day before. A few days later I got an email saying she hadn't come because she was moving some stuff and she'd see me later. Now that is what got me. It didn't bother me that she hadn't come, at the time. I am Mediterranean and have a high tolerance for laid-backness. It didn't even bother me that she hadn't forgotten and the activity that kept her from showing up was not an unexpected one (i.e. she could have called to let me know)... I still could have forgiven that really easily. It was the fact that she didn't apologise that floored me. Does she not value our budding friendship? my time? my money?
Then it came to me: forgive and learn. The forgiveness serves me. It releases my energy for better things. But I can still learn not only about myself but also about the other - in this case about this girl. I can forgive her, genuinely forgive her, not be mad anymore AND still learn that she is flaky, inconsiderate and self-involved (at least under stress). It doesn't mean I will never talk to her again or never make a date with her again, but it does mean I have learned a valuable lesson about how she treats people when she herself is under pressure. Forgive and learn. That is my first insight for this blog.
Afterall, you don't need to think the other person was right or justified to forgive them, you just need to want to let go of the anger and stop carrying it yourself.
